HINDSITE IS 20/20
Welcome to Hindsight: What Not To Do When You’re Escaping an Abuser With Your Children.
In this first episode, I want to share the harsh reality of what it really takes to escape an abusive partner when you have children. My journey began in 1999, and what I’ve learned over the years is that the system is not built to protect victims — it’s built to preserve structure and image. So, I’m here to tell you what I wish someone told me before I made all the mistakes I thought were the “right” things to do.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a legal expert. I’m just someone who has lived through over two decades of mistakes, heartbreak, and injustice — and I’ve learned exactly what not to do when trying to escape an abuser with your children. This podcast is for educational and support purposes only. I welcome informed legal input from those with professional experience. My goal is to help other women avoid the devastating missteps I made.
Step One: If You’re Going to Leave, Leave With the Children
Do not leave your children behind, not for one second. Once you walk away, that’s it — there’s no going back for them. If you leave them with your abuser, you might never get them back, or worse, they will be turned against you.
Abusers manipulate people — your family, friends, and even the courts — to find you and destroy your credibility. Once they know you want to leave, you are in danger. Your safest move is to pretend everything is fine until you’re gone.
If your abuser ever says something like, “I would never keep the kids from you if we split,” take that as a red flag. It’s not reassurance — it’s a warning. He’s already planning to do exactly that. Get out and file for custody immediately. If your ex has a significant amount of money, you need to vanish. Resources are power, and he will use them all against you. Believe me when I say that your ex will subject your kids to any level of suffering to punish you. These are dangerous individuals — often diagnosed or undiagnosed with narcissistic or antisocial personality traits — and they have probably already worked hard to turn everyone against you.
If you leave your children with your ex at all, it’s game over. The moment he gets ahold of them, your chances of getting them back are slim to none. By the time you’ve walked out that door, he’s already 20 steps ahead — planning exactly how he’ll keep the kids away from you, how he’ll turn them against you, and how he’ll manipulate the system to paint you as unstable or unfit. He will exploit every legal advantage, use every connection, and tap into every ounce of your past to justify why he deserves full control. Do not assume that a father who’s been absent or abusive won’t suddenly fight like hell — not because he wants the children, but because he wants to punish you. This is not about parenting. It’s about power.
Abandonment is one of the most dangerous accusations you can face. If you leave the children with the abuser at all — even for what you think is a brief or temporary situation — you will likely be accused of abandonment. And courts will often side with whoever physically has the children, especially if they filed first. If your abuser gives you permission to leave the state with the children — get it in writing. Better yet, don’t go. These men will lie and set you up for kidnapping accusations the moment you’re gone. If you're accused of kidnapping, the court may not care about your intent — only the facts of the action. It’s better to avoid the risk entirely.
Always plan carefully and research without leaving a digital trail. Get a second phone, use public computers, and hide your planning tools somewhere safe. Avoid researching escape routes on your main device. Do not talk about your plans with anyone who might be manipulated — even your own family. Leaving an abuser takes careful planning. Make sure you have a safe location, shelter, job prospects, and a plan for school enrollment before leaving. Get on welfare if needed, but ensure your ducks are in a row. Do not leave until you are 110% sure you can. Living with your abuser may be safer than losing your children to him forever.
Abusers With Money and Power
If your abuser has a lot of money, you may not be able to leave — not yet. These men will outspend you, bribe professionals, and manipulate the system to make you look unstable. The court is not your friend when your abuser is wealthy. Their power buys image, influence, and silence.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. (https://www.thehotline.org/resources/financial-abuse/). Abusers may prevent access to money, sabotage employment, or use money to gain custody leverage.
The Legal Aid Society and NNEDV have both documented that wealthy abusers are more likely to weaponize the court system by filing excessive litigation to drain victims’ resources, a tactic known as “abuse by proxy” or “custody stalking.”
You may have to stay. As horrifying as that sounds, sometimes staying with the abuser is the only way to protect your children — until they are old enough to leave or until you can gain the upper hand. Staying doesn’t mean giving up. It means surviving strategically.
Do what you must to gather evidence, build your case, and make an eventual exit plan. A former acquaintance of mine was an award-winning nurse, but she couldn’t afford to leave her wealthy, abusive husband. That’s how powerful this dynamic is. These men don’t love anyone — not their children, not their partners. Everyone is property. And they will destroy lost property at any cost.
They will sacrifice their health, their career, and even their future just to ruin yours. They are committed to revenge and control — and getting custody is their ultimate weapon.
Travis went as far as convincing his older brother that I left him for another man while pregnant with his daughter and slept with him. He had William confirm all this after a careful exchange of notes and half-truths. To this day Travis uses that as an excuse to continue getting revenge. These men become addicted to the revenge even if they have to invent reasons. His reasoning for manipulating his brother was because he was wealthy and had influence. He could use him as a powerful weapon to help destroy me and our children.
You either stay, or you somehow disappear off the face of the earth — and that takes serious planning, resources, and secrecy. If you can’t do that, you play the long game. Wait for your children to grow. Survive. Build your documentation. Don’t expect help from the courts — because they will likely help him.
The Hammond Return Plan That Failed
I chose to reconcile with Travis in Hammond, Louisiana. At that point, our son was with him, and I had been traveling with a former friend I used to dance with. I invited Travis to pick our son up from a 24/7 daycare in Brookings, South Dakota, where I had been for nearly two years. I was broke, exhausted, and feeling guilty about keeping our son from him during that time.
Travis and I had a brief reconciliation in Hammond. He promised things would be different. I believed him. I returned to Brookings to move out of my apartment and spend time with my older children. While I was preparing to relocate, Tara began talking to William — or maybe he had been for some time. I don’t know. Everything spiraled. Travis turned hostile. I became afraid to return to Hammond. That was the last time we had peace. That was when Travis and William teamed up, weaponized the system, and began working together to alienate me from my children.
I had made the worst mistake of my life. I left our son with a man who didn’t want reconciliation — he wanted revenge. And it’s been 15 years of hell since.
Trying to Do the Right Thing Backfires in Court
Trying to do the right thing and have a fair hearing in court will get you screwed over. If you can't avoid court, do not say anything about abuse or being a victim. Focus purely on why you are responsible and he is not. Abuse allegations will probably work against you. In my case, I provided undeniable proof that my ex’s house was completely full of porn. I talked about verbal abuse. It was used against me! The judge saw me as a victim — and judges hate victims. He said that I staged the videos, though that was impossible, acknowledged Bill was an abuser, and almost in the same sentence said he should have custody.
I came to court with proof — proof that my ex’s house was full of porn, that he was verbally abusive. You know what the judge said? That I staged it. That I was the problem. He acknowledged my ex was abusive and in the same breath handed him custody.
I was honest. I talked about being a victim. That was the mistake. Judges don’t protect victims. They punish them for being vulnerable. You want a fighting chance? Don’t say a damn thing about abuse unless you're in immediate physical danger and have third-party documentation. Focus only on how you are the stable, consistent parent and they are not.
Knowing what I do now, I should have focused on gathering witnesses to paint a picture of him that showed how out of control and irresponsible he was.
For a growing list of helpful resources, shelters, legal guides, and recommended reading, visit:
Recommended Book: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Recommended Book: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
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